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Attitudes, beliefs, and signs of victim syndrome
What causes a victim mentality?
7 consequences of a victim mentality
How to release a victim mentality
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Jump to section
Attitudes, beliefs, and signs of victim syndrome
What causes a victim mentality?
7 consequences of a victim mentality
How to release a victim mentality
A victim mentality is when someone feels that bad things keep happening to them no matter what. at the root of this mentality is that none of these circumstances or situations are their fault.
There are three core beliefs underlying the victim mentality:
You may hear yourself or someone else utter one of these phrases, but often, the attitudes accompanying victimhood are much more subtle. After all, no one goes around broadcasting that they have a victim complex, and they’re less likely to think of themselves that way. Look for these innocuous signs in yourself or someone else:
While it can be hard to sympathize with someone who is so defensive, many of these traits are developed as a result of traumatic experiences. These individuals often feel that people are untrustworthy or out to get them. Because of this, they keep their guard up, harping on negative events to avoid emotional vulnerability.
No one is born a victim. A victim complex isn't a personality trait — it's learned behavior. In fact, victim syndrome could be considered a type of learned helplessness. Learned helplessness is a phenomenon in psychology where people who have traumatic experiences feel that they can't escape it, no matter what they do.
In experiments on learned helplessness, researchers often put animals into an environment where they receive an electric shock. People are typically exposed to loud noises. But whether person or animal, most stop trying to escape the situation once their first few efforts fail. Even when a solution is available, they continue to believe they can’t do anything about it. Their feelings of helplessness place them in the victim role even though they're the ones in control.
Steven Maier, one of the two researchers responsible for identifying learned helplessness (BetterUp Science Advisory Board member Martin Seligman being the other) found that people weren’t actually learning helplessness. Instead, they were failing to learn control. And so learning that we have the ability to change our circumstances might actually be the way out of the victim mindset.
Why would someone give up their control in a situation? Well, when human beings do anything, they typically do it for one of two reasons: to avoid a consequence or experience a reward. On some level, then, the victim behavior must fulfill one of these two motivators. The question is, "What do we get from a sense of powerlessness that we would have to give up to take control?"
Here are some circumstances that might result in developing a victim mentality as a coping mechanism:
If a person has experienced a traumatic situation in their youth, they may feel like life is inherently difficult and there's nothing they can do to make it better. This is a key way that learned helplessness develops. Victims may feel that no one understands them or that they can't trust anyone to help them. In social science, this aligns with Erickson's first psychosocial stage — trust versus mistrust.
Some people enjoy the attention and sense of control that victimhood brings. Even though they feel like they lack control over the circumstances in their life, they thrive on the validation and sympathy from others. Being able to get other people to stop and help them — or at the very least, feel sorry for them — helps them retain a sense of importance and control.
People may respond to low standards or expectations by playing the victim. Whether because someone else has always stepped up to take responsibility, or because people don’t expect much, being “out of control” becomes comfortable. Victimhood provides anonymity and protection. When you’re never at the wheel, things are never your fault.
Sometimes we are more afraid of our own success then we are of our failure. Giving up responsibility for ourselves and our actions makes us feel like we don't have to be accountable for what we say we want. Chasing our dreams requires a degree of vulnerability, resilience, self-confidence, and willingness to grow — none of which you need if you just play the victim card.
When you give up responsibility for your life, that’s not all you give up. Victim syndrome is associated with decreased well-being, poor social connections, and self-destructive behavior. Here are several behavior and thought patterns you may notice or experience that have their roots in victim syndrome:
Ironically, recognizing the symptoms of a victim mentality in your own life may make you feel more hopeless. Remember, though, that no one is born a victim. Victim syndrome is a learned pattern that helps us cope with trauma. The way to release it is to find other ways to make yourself feel safe and in control.
The opposite of victimhood is accountability. While your circumstances may not be your fault, they are your responsibility. That doesn’t mean that you caused it. It just means that you have the ability to respond to your circumstances and change the outcome.
Start by identifying one or two small things that you can do to make a positive difference in your life. Work with a coach if you need help determining what would make the biggest impact.
You may find that victimhood is offering secret payoffs in your life. What are you getting out of constantly being down on your luck? Is it attention, validation, or are you getting away with not taking action on a bigger goal?
If you can determine what the victim mentality is covering up, you can find other, healthier ways to provide yourself with what you really want.
Victim syndrome often stems from underlying trauma. If that's the case, you may need help from a mental health professional to uncover and process the root cause so it no longer impacts your daily life. Understanding why you may feel as if you're destined for bad luck or that you can't trust others may help you to understand what's holding you back in the present.
When you feel like other people have more control over your life than you do, it's often because of unclear boundaries. Practice saying no. It can be really hard to do at first, particularly if you're afraid of damaging a relationship with a loved one. But saying no can restore your sense of power and control.
Remember learned helplessness? The antidote to learned helplessness is self-efficacy — the belief that you can do something successfully. You develop self-advocacy through your past experiences, encouragement, seeing others model success, and your emotional state.
If your past experiences have taught you that success is out of reach, surround yourself with positive affirmations and stories of people who have overcome the odds to change their lives. Developing self-efficacy will help you remember that your life is in your hands.
Those who have a victim complex often feel like the world is out to get them. They have unconsciously adopted the belief that if they always expect bad things to happen, they won't be blindsided by the kind of trauma that happened in the past. If you're always on guard though, you'll have a hard time forgiving yourself when you do make mistakes or get hurt. The answer isn't to throw ourselves a pity party, but to uplift ourselves with self-compassion.
Remember that your past does not determine your future. Be gentle with yourself and remind yourself often that you are worthwhile, capable, and deserving of good things. If you need to, start a journal of everything that you've accomplished and reread it when you need a boost.
If someone you care about has a victim complex, it can be emotionally overwhelming. You may feel frustrated or like nothing you do seems to make a difference. You may resent the constant complaining. You may also feel that on some level, they just want to stay where they are. Depending on your relationship with them, their victimhood and helplessness may affect you directly.
If this is the case, it's important to take care of yourself even while you try to support the other person. Here are some things that you can do to help someone with a victim mentality without compromising your own well-being:
It can be hard to feel like your life is under your control when bad things keep happening. This is especially true when success feels slow — and failure feels overwhelming.
However, it's important to remember that very few of the things that we experience in life are personal. The people around you care for you, and they want you to do well in life. But more importantly, it’s critical that you value your own happiness and well-being.
Even if there's not one single thing that you can do to change your situation (although there probably is!) you can always control your attitude. Find meaning in the midst of the victim mentality, and the path forward will open.
BetterUp Staff Writer
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