What is a dark empath, and how to deal with one

If you’ve ever felt taken advantage of by someone you shared an emotional connection with, you may have dealt with a dark empath. Dark empaths can easily read people’s emotions, but they use this skill to manipulate others and further themselves rather than as a means of connection.

Being in a relationship with someone who exhibits manipulative traits like dark empathy can hinder your personal and professional growth. Understanding this dynamic is crucial to protecting your emotional well-being and fostering authentic relationships by increasing your self-awareness.

By learning to identify traits of a dark empath, you can feel more confident setting boundaries or ending relationships with toxic people.

What is a dark empath?

A dark empath is someone who has a high level of empathy but uses it for personal gain rather than to help others. They understand people’s emotions and pretend to care, but their interests ultimately lie in how others can help them financially, socially, or in other ways.

While dark empaths have high emotional intelligence and can understand your emotions, they don’t have compassionate empathy. This means they don’t experience your motivations in a way that compels them to want to help you. 

Instead, they use cognitive empathy, which allows them to rationally understand another person’s thoughts and perspective. They might use this understanding to manipulate you without feeling remorse or consequence. 

Researchers introduced the concept of dark empaths while exploring the dark side of human behavior, aiming to “investigate the existence of darkness in the presence of empathy.” They found that people who exhibit a cluster of dark traits known as the dark triad can also have high levels of cognitive empathy.

Dark empathy vs. narcissist

Narcissists are people who demonstrate a pattern of arrogant behavior. Dark empaths and people with narcissistic personality disorder share some similarities, such as an elevated sense of self-importance. However, they also have individual differences, such as the following:

• Empathic abilities: A dark empath has an elevated level of cognitive empathy, while narcissists generally lack affective empathy, which is the ability to emotionally connect with others’ feelings
• Self-awareness: Dark empaths may realize they’re doing something wrong but continue to do it anyway. Narcissists, on the other hand, often have less awareness of how their actions affect others.
• Type of manipulation: While narcissists and dark empaths both manipulate others, they generally do so in different ways. The dark empath is more likely to try to mold themselves to your emotions to gain your trust. A narcissist will try to impress you with grandiose gestures to win approval and social status.

Dark empaths can recognize others’ emotional states and feelings toward them, while narcissists are more consumed with their own sense of self, making them more likely to lack awareness of what others think of them.

 Dark empath vs. psychopath

Dark empathy may get confused with psychopathy, which is another type of personality construct. However, these concepts differ in their toxic traits, behaviors, and deficits.

Psychopaths typically lack affective, compassionate, and emotional empathy entirely. They often have superficial charm and behave in a more impulsive manner. They’re also unable to feel guilt. The same is true for a sociopath, who is also likely to lack remorse.

Understanding the dark triad and dark triad personalities 

Before the introduction of dark empathy, researchers attributed many of the same characteristics to the dark triad. The dark triad is a psychological construct that describes a combination of three different abusive personality types, including:

1. Machiavellianism, which describes a personality type that attempts to gain power through deception and exploitation
2. Subclinical narcissism, which describes people who don’t have narcissistic personality disorder but exhibit narcissistic traits, such as a need for admiration
3. Subclinical psychopathy, which refers to people who exhibit signs of psychopathy without the antisocial traits 

While these personality types all have to do with manipulation, they’re characterized by a lack of empathy. The term “dark empath” was created to describe people who have dark triad traits in addition to cognitive empathy.

8 dark empath traits

Dark empaths often show certain personality traits that can be considered negative on their own or that the person can use in ways that make them red flags in a relationship or in group settings. Common traits of dark empaths include the following:

1. Cognitive empathy: This type of empathy enables them to rationally understand and likely exploit your feelings, thoughts, and perspective.
2. Extroversion: Dark empaths are typically more extroverted and seem at ease in social settings.
3. Manipulation: A dark empath uses their ability to connect with people to control situations for their personal gain, such as becoming your friend because you know someone who could help them with career growth.
4. Narcissism: Dark empaths show traits of narcissism, such as having a sense of entitlement or superiority. 
5. Dark humor: Dark empaths are often sarcastic and exhibit dark humor that can seem cruel, such as mocking someone.
6. Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a natural response for dark empaths when they’re trying to control a situation. This can leave their victim questioning their sanity and sense of reality.
7. Empathy vs. sympathy: While a dark empath is good at reading others’ emotions, they lack sympathy for others’ misfortunes
8. Love bombing: Dark empaths are prone to love bombing, which refers to showering someone with gifts and attention to earn their trust.

Since dark empaths may display some habits of empathetic people, their behavior can be difficult to identify and manage.

What causes dark empathy?

The exact cause of dark empathy is unknown, but psychological, genetic, and environmental factors may influence it. This ties into the greater “nature vs. nurture” debate regarding whether our personalities are predetermined by genetics or developed through interactions with our surroundings.

Twin and adoption studies show that human personalities are 30% to 60% hereditary. However, environmental factors such as upbringing, geographic location, culture, and life experiences can all influence personality. 

How to deal with a dark empath

Dealing with a dark empath can be emotionally challenging. That’s why it’s important to address any relationships where you feel manipulated as quickly as possible. 

If you think you may be dealing with a dark empath, here are seven things you can try to create emotional distance from the relationship.

Set boundaries

Create and communicate boundaries with the individual about which behaviors you will and won’t tolerate. It’s also a good idea to limit contact with the person altogether. These proactive measures can help protect you from any additional emotional or self-esteem damage.

Trust your gut

If you have a hunch that something manipulative may be happening, there’s a high chance you’re right. It’s essential that you trust your gut when it’s telling you something is off, even if you aren’t sure what it is yet. 

Pay attention to your body and emotions when you’re around the person or when you think about them. Make sure you’re not ignoring any warning signs of an unhealthy relationship, like mental abuse, that could harm your personal development.

Seek support and trusted friends

Sometimes an outside, unbiased opinion is necessary to understand the full extent of possible manipulation. If you think you might be dealing with a dark empath, try asking a friend for advice. Explain the situation and why you feel something is wrong, then ask for their input.

It’s best to ask a friend or family member who doesn’t know the person manipulating you to avoid the bias of their existing opinions. Talking through everything can help validate your feelings and help you better recognize what’s happening.

Prioritize yourself

It can be challenging to make yourself a priority. This is especially true if you have toxic empathy, which is when you carry the emotional burdens of others. 

If a dark empath tries to play the victim and guilt trip you when they’re called out, it can be an emotional trigger. By focusing on yourself and your feelings, you’ll be better able to see through their emotional manipulation.

Stay grounded

Grounding is a practice for reconnecting yourself with the present moment to help calm anxiety and worries. Grounding is proven to help lessen physiological and emotional stress, which can help set you up for better conflict management.

A few grounding techniques you can try include the following:

• Mindful breathing: This exercise involves putting your full attention on the sensation of breathing, including how you feel your breath in your body and where you notice it going. This can help you improve your emotional regulation and stop negative self-talk. 
• Prioritizing physical well-being and health: Having good sleep hygiene and a nutrient-rich diet can improve your overall well-being, including your emotional and mental health.
• Spending time in nature: Spending time outdoors can help you reconnect with or find yourself. This can be as simple as going for a short walk or getting some sunlight.

Improving your overall health can help strengthen your critical thinking skills for a more rational thought pattern.

Practice self-love

If you’ve been dealing with a dark empath, you may feel overly self-critical, like it’s your fault for falling victim to the other person’s manipulative tactics. It’s important to practice self-compassion, as research indicates self-compassion offers mental health benefits and decreases feelings of loneliness.

You have nothing to apologize for or feel ashamed of. Try to change your perspective by thinking about what you learned that will help you navigate future relationships.

Seek professional help

If you’re having trouble letting go of a toxic relationship, it may be useful to get professional help. Consider going to therapy or working with a relationship coach who can give you the tools to improve your interpersonal relationships. This can also help you build confidence in your decisions.

Improve your dark empath radar with relationship coaching

Dealing with a dark empath is never easy, and neither is losing a relationship. However, sometimes it’s wise to distance yourself from someone who may not have your best interest in mind.

Relationship coaching can help you navigate transitions, regain trust in others, and increase your self-awareness to identify harmful patterns.

Work with a BetterUp Coach to improve your emotional awareness and resilience so you can maintain healthier relationships.