“I feel like I don’t belong”: how to find your community

Humans have an innate desire to belong. When you feel profoundly connected to friends, family, or your community as a whole, you feel happier, and your life gains purpose and meaning. 

On the other hand, isolation can profoundly impact your physical and mental health. And if you aren’t careful, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy: the more isolated you feel, the harder it becomes to connect.

Connection is a fundamental part of the human experience — and everyone deserves to feel like they belong somewhere. If you often think to yourself, “I feel like I don’t belong,” there are steps you can take to find your community. 

What does it mean to feel like you belong? 

A sense of belonging is the subjective feeling of being valued and respected in a reciprocal relationship. When you’re comfortable and accepted as your authentic self, you feel part of something. A sense of belonging also motivates you to reciprocate and develop stable, enduring relationships and fight for these connections. 

Human beings are intrinsically motivated by the need to belong. This need drives you to create and nurture caring interpersonal relationships that positively impact your daily life and personal growth.

As shared as this experience is, it looks different for everybody. An introvert might value spending time with a few close friends, while an extrovert feels their best when surrounded by a larger community.

Regardless of where you fit in, developing deeper bonds with your chosen community can bring meaning to your life, stimulate positive personal growth, and improve your well-being. 

To enjoy these rewards, most people develop deeper bonds and a sense of belonging in three ways.

1. Cultural and social capital

You may derive your sense of belonging from your ability to influence, communicate with, or understand a particular community. Your knowledge, shared behaviors, or skills demonstrate your social and cultural capital. 

For example, in the workplace, it’s common to feel like an outsider at a new job. As you catch up on technical skills, learn company jargon, and understand your coworkers’ ways of doing things, your sense of belonging at work rises. 

2. Personal identity

The freedom to develop your sense of self and have family members, close friends, and peers accept you can make you feel like you fit in, so you’ll likely bond with people who accept your personal values and worldview and respect your identity. 

You may root your personal identity in your sexual orientation or gender identity, ethnicity, or religious beliefs. However you define your identity, when you feel accepted, you’ll develop a stronger sense of belonging. 

3. Similarity with others

You can develop relationships constructed over a common bond nearly anywhere — an online community, a new friend at a regular yoga class, or an old friend as passionate about cooking as you are. Your similarities make forging close relationships easier than doing so with someone whose interests are dissimilar to yours.

Conversation or having fun feels simple because you’re both interested in the same topics, share a sense of humor, or are motivated by the same goals. Feeling accepted comes easy. 

Pros of feeling like you belong

Simply being part of a supportive social network can reduce stress and improve well-being, even if your network isn’t directly providing emotional support. Just knowing you belong is enough to reap the benefits. 

Here are three pros of experiencing a strong sense of belonging:

1. More goal-oriented behavior: Nurturing a strong relationship with a friend or larger community can push you to seek self-improvement. For example, you may improve your time management skills to be a better friend or practice a foreign language to connect with your heritage. 

2. Better coping mechanisms: Support systems help you cope with stressors that can cause mental health struggles. They help you overcome insecurities and self-esteem concerns and push you beyond your comfort zone. 

3. Improved physical health: Studies have shown links to belonging and positive recovery from cancer, tuberculosis, and heart disease.

Cons of feeling like you don’t belong

Feeling alone can be a suffocating, circular emotion. A lack of belonging might heighten your social anxiety or make you disconnect from others, increasing the emotional roller coaster’s potency. 

But a lack of belongingness extends far beyond your current emotional state. Here are three negative effects of a lack of belonging:

1. Heightened anxiety: Social isolation is one of the most common causes of anxiety. Feeling outcast from social interactions or suffering from feelings of isolation can disrupt your sense of self-worth and fill you with intrusive thoughts of incompetence, guilt, or unattractiveness. 

2. Deters positive relationships: When you feel conflict, criticism, or feelings of being unwanted in close relationships during moments of personal crisis, this negative connection can undermine your ability to enjoy healthy, beneficial relationships elsewhere.

   If you frequently think, “I feel like I don't belong in my family,” for example, this lost connection is stronger than the positive effect of social support you might receive elsewhere.

3. Lowers health systems: Studies show that those deprived of belongingness see decreases in their immune functions. Likewise, social deprivation or failed belongingness positively correlates to mental health issues. 

Why do I feel like I don't belong anywhere?

Feelings of alienation, isolation, or disconnection are subjective experiences. Your reasons for feeling like you don’t belong may not align with someone else’s.

But learning what hinders you from building important relationships is the first step to understanding how to stop feeling like you don't belong. Here are three potential sources:

1. Struggling with your mental health: You might be experiencing a larger mental health issue that makes you feel alienated from others. Seeking help from a mental health professional might be a good way to determine whether this is the case and how to cope. 

2. Hanging with the wrong crowd: If you find yourself in the wrong crowd, either personally or professionally, it might be time to re-evaluate your goals and values and consider if you’re connecting with like-minded people.

3. Disregarding new opportunities: Not all opportunities are in your face. You might be turning down chances to develop relationships and personal growth because they’re too challenging or not your typical cup of tea.

   Be honest with yourself about your openness to new opportunities and consider alternative friend groups and professional development challenges to build a sense of belonging.

Achieving a sense of belonging: 5 tips

Feeling like a part of a community can help you find meaning in your life. Here are five tips for building stronger, more rewarding relationships. 

1. Focus on you

It’s easy to focus on the lives of others. You’re bombarded with images on social media of everyone’s perfect life or may measure yourself against your friends and coworkers’ accomplishments.

But constantly comparing yourself to others can cause feelings of inadequacy or imposter syndrome, creating a disconnect between “you” and “them.”

Learn to stop comparing yourself to others by practicing gratitude, developing your personal strengths, and becoming aware of your triggers (like too much social media use). 

2. Chase your dreams

You can build a more general sense of belonging in your life by finding your calling. This gives your life direction and improves your mental health. And during this pursuit, you’ll likely connect with similarly-minded folks and create the kind of reciprocal relationships which strengthen your sense of belonging.

3. Define yourself

If you don’t know who you are, you can’t find like-minded people to connect with. But it can be difficult cultivating self-awareness when external messages might convince you that you need to fit into others’ definitions of the norm.

To avoid feeling affected by others’ opinions and confused, pay attention to your instincts, take note of the activities and interests that fill you with drive and passion, and set your sights on developing your natural traits.

You may find that some relationships don’t fit the new you, but the more sincerely you behave, the more likely you’ll find the group of people that get you. 

4. Look for your community

Making friends as an adult isn’t easy. But new friends aren’t going to show up on your doorstep. Think about a hobby you’d like to pursue (like painting) or one you can share with others (like running) to find community. 

Check out your local centers for classes, clubs, or workshops, look into online communities, or seek out small group events. Putting yourself out there at first may be difficult, but once you connect with someone over a shared interest, developing a friendship will be much easier. 

5. Seek help

Help comes in many forms. Open up to friends and family about your lack of belonging. Chances are, they want to connect with you on a deeper level, too, and you just need to discuss how to do so. 

A coach or therapist can also analyze the source of your lack of belonging and provide practical strategies and goal-oriented steps to get in touch with yourself and find your people.

You belong somewhere

Feeling like you belong isn’t a privilege — everyone fits in somewhere. 

If you constantly think, “I feel like I don’t belong,” and struggle to connect with others, you’re not alone. But identifying the source of your isolation and taking steps to find your people is worth the investment. You’ll improve your mental health, uncover the passions that motivate you, and thrive along with your supportive and caring community.