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When you feel like a failure, you might shut down and give up on your goals. You may think that, no matter how much effort you put in, you won’t be able to achieve what you want.
It’s important to recognize feelings of failure, but knowing what to do when you have them is even more critical. This blog has the tools you need to overcome feelings of failure, build confidence, and combat negative self-perception.
If you feel like a failure, you're not alone
First, take comfort in knowing you’re not the only one who feels this way. It’s common to feel like a failure when things don’t pan out as planned. It’s also important to remember that how you determine what failure is can change.
What does failure feel like?
Everyone has different ideas about what it means to fail. Whether you feel like you have an inferiority complex or struggle with it periodically, everyone experiences the feeling of failure differently.
In general, people who feel like a failure often report the following feelings:
- Self-doubt
- Hopelessness
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Embarrassment
- Pessimism
- Harsh self-talk
- Low self-esteem
- Shame
- Wanting to give up
What fuels the feeling of failure?
To start feeling better, you need to understand the source of your emotions. Your feelings may go deeper than the surface-level situation that triggered them.
Here are some factors that may play a role in developing feelings of failure:
- Comparison thinking: Comparing yourself to others can influence your values and self-worth. It can be dangerous because you generally don’t know all the details of someone else’s situation. Social media use can reinforce this habit. Roughly 90% of women and 60% of men say they compare themselves to other people when using social media.
- Unrealistic expectations: Part of setting goals and achieving them is making sure they’re reasonable. Consider the time and resources you have available so you don’t set yourself up to feel like a failure.
- Negative self-talk: If you tend to struggle with self-criticism, you might be talking to yourself in a way that’s making things worse. Negative self-talk can make feelings of failure seem like a bigger deal than they are.
- All-or-nothing mindset: When you view situations with all-or-nothing thinking, the only options are to succeed or fail. In reality, you need to consider a whole scale of in-betweens. Even if you haven’t succeeded yet, you’ve likely still made progress.
Recognize the impact of feeling like a failure
It’s not fun to feel like a failure. Besides feelings of sadness or hopelessness, focusing on failure can also cause the following:
- Lack of motivation and interest
- Lack of trust in yourself and your abilities
- A fear of failure
- A desire to isolate yourself
- Giving up on goals you feel you’ll never be able to achieve
Since mental health is intertwined with physical health, feelings of failure can also impact your body. For example, feeling depressed can cause physical health conditions like the following:
- Inflammation
- Weight gain or weight loss
- Chronic pain
- Increased risk for heart disease
- Gastrointestinal problems
- Sleeping too much or too little
Be aware of the toll feeling like a failure can take on your well-being so you can take steps to deal with the core issue.
Reframing the narrative: Shift from defeat to growth
There are many tools you can try to shift away from feeling like a failure. They’re all rooted in addressing one common goal: changing your mindset.
Here are a few reframing exercises to overcome a fear of failure.
Challenge negative self-talk
You may have a “bully” in your brain that doesn’t speak to you nicely. The insults it hurls at you when you’re feeling most vulnerable are a form of negative self-talk.
Giving into automatic negative thoughts, called ANTs, can cause you to view situations unfairly. Learning to recognize ANTs can help you break free from self-sabotage.
Ask yourself questions like the following to challenge negative thoughts:
- Am I confusing thoughts with facts?
- Do I expect myself to be perfect?
- What are the pros and cons of thinking this way?
- Am I blaming myself for something that isn’t my fault?
- Am I exaggerating the importance of this situation?
- Am I focusing on my weaknesses and ignoring my strengths?
- Am I assuming there’s nothing I can do to change the situation or my perception?
These questions help you identify whether you’re judging a situation fairly and considering all the facts. They encourage you to consider if you’re letting emotional distress take too much control.
Acknowledge progress
Acknowledging progress goes back to the idea of all-or-nothing thinking. When you feel like a failure, you may view situations in a way that leaves no room for middle ground. You may be overshadowing any progress you’ve made with negative thoughts.
Ask yourself, “What were the potential results of this situation?” Try to think of more options than complete success or total failure by answering questions like the following:
- How have you grown?
- Are there any skills you’ve gained or lessons you’ve learned?
- Are you any closer or better positioned to reach your goal than before?
- What did you do well?
- Do you have access to more resources now that will be helpful in future situations?
Tools for recovering after failure
Reframing exercises are great for combatting feelings of failure before they appear. You can also take steps to recover if you’re currently experiencing these feelings.
Embracing failure as a learning opportunity
Even if you didn’t get the results you wanted, you may have learned something that helps you succeed in the future. Here are a few things you can do to embrace your failures:
- Don’t give up when something goes wrong
- View failure as feedback
- Learn from failures and move on
- Analyze what went wrong to develop a new and improved plan
- Leverage your strengths and weaknesses to overcome obstacles
Developing gratitude
Ample research proves the benefits of gratitude, which include the following:
- Decreased depression
- Reduced stress-inducing hormones
- Decreased envy and jealousy
- Increased optimism
- Improved self-esteem
Gratitude works best when you make it a habit. Here are a few ways you can start a gratitude practice:
- Start a gratitude journal: List a few things you’re thankful for at the end of each day. Jot down one positive outcome of a situation that made you feel like a failure.
- Try habit-stacking: Habit-stacking combines a new activity with an existing habit to help you adopt it. For example, try naming things you’re grateful for every time you brush your teeth or sit down to eat dinner.
- Write letters or notes: Share your gratitude with those around you by writing a thank-you note to a coworker or loved one. You can even write one to yourself.
Setting SMART goals
To set yourself up for success, set goals that are realistic, achievable, and measurable.
Use the following SMART goals framework each time you set a goal:
- Specific: Make your goal specific and focused so you know what you’re trying to achieve.
- Measurable: Set objective performance metrics to determine whether you met your goal.
- Achievable: Make sure your goal is realistic and achievable within your timeframe.
- Relevant: Align your goal with your values and passions to ensure you’re moving in the right direction.
- Time-bound: Set an ambitious but reasonable deadline for completing your goal.
Building a supportive network
It sometimes takes an outside perspective to feel better about yourself. When you’re too close to a situation, viewing it from other angles can be hard.
Surround yourself with connection and community in your personal and professional life. Call on them when you’re feeling down, and give them a chance to show up for you with encouragement. Chances are, they probably won’t see your situation in the same light.
Practicing self-compassion
Above all else, you need to learn to forgive yourself. Consider how you would treat a close friend if they felt like a failure. You’d likely make comments like the following:
- Don’t be too hard on yourself
- This situation doesn’t impact your worth
- You deserve forgiveness
- I still love you
- You are not your mistakes
- Everything is going to be OK
- Remember to take time for self-care
Take the time to list positive affirmations and repeat them to yourself in the mirror. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. You’re still worthy of patience, love, and acceptance.
Finding the path to self-compassion
Learning to give yourself grace and self-love requires making a commitment to yourself. Shifting your mindset is something you may need to work on every day.
Practicing self-compassion is especially important when you’re feeling good about yourself. Good thoughts and feelings lay the foundation for self-compassion during tough times.
Investing in your growth
Failure is part of life. It can be a setback but also an opportunity to learn, grow, and become the best version of yourself.
Adopting a growth mindset lets you see failure as a motivator rather than a barrier. It enables you to view success as ongoing personal development. A growth mindset fuels your drive to overcome obstacles and achieve your goals.
Building your confidence toolkit
Another way to steer yourself onto a positive path is to create a toolkit to build your confidence. A confidence toolkit can help shift negative self-perception when you feel like a failure.
Your confidence toolkit can include the following:
- A list of your strengths
- A personal vision statement that reminds you of your unique purpose
- Positive notes or kind words from people you trust
- Quotes of praise on past projects or achievements
- A library of inspiration with your favorite uplifting quotes, songs, and motivational podcasts
- A list of difficult circumstances you’ve overcome in your life
Still feel like a failure? Get 1:1 coaching
If you try some of these tactics and still feel like a failure, consider working with a personal coach. More than three-fourths of members say BetterUp coaching sessions are amazing or life-changing.
Step into lasting change with professional help. Find your coach now.
