Hyper-independence as a trauma response and how to heal

Hyper-independence, while often seen as a strength, can hinder your growth by keeping you from seeking support when needed. It can also prevent you from building meaningful relationships and negatively impact your well-being.

It can be challenging to know when normal independence has turned into unhealthy self-reliance. To understand whether your level of independence is balanced, you need to recognize the signs of hyper-independence, its causes, and how to overcome it.

Different from hypervigilance, which can also result from trauma, hyper-independence is a desire to do everything yourself. Hypervigilance is a state of feeling constantly threatened and is characterized by an overactive “fight or flight” response.

People often develop hyper-independence as a way to protect themselves from the pain of past betrayals, neglect, or trauma. It can feel like a necessary shield, offering a sense of control and safety in a world where relying on others has led to disappointment or hurt. 

By taking on everything yourself, you might believe you are preventing further emotional wounds. However, it also comes with many costs.

Signs of hyper-independence

At first, it may be hard to distinguish hyper-independence from normal independence. However, when someone avoids close interdependent social relationships, becomes increasingly self-reliant, and pressures themselves to be flawless, hyper-independence may become easier to spot.

Some additional signs of hyper-independence include the following:

• Difficulty asking for help: If you’re hyper-independent, you may take on too much responsibility or have trouble delegating when needed
• Difficulty trusting others: Hyper-independence is marked by a sense of control, which may make it difficult for you to trust someone to handle a task you could do yourself
• Perfectionism: You may strive for perfection to prove to yourself that you can effectively manage everything on your own
• Relationship challenges: Hyper-independence can interfere with effective communication in a relationship due to a lack of trust and a personal power imbalance
• Feeling overworked: Because hyper-independent individuals struggle to hand off responsibilities, they may easily burn out or feel overwhelmed with commitments
• Low self-esteem: You may feel like you’re undeserving of love or help, which may be why you avoid asking
• Social isolation: People with hyper-independence may isolate themselves from others and avoid their support network
• Depression and anxiety: If you’re hyper-independent, you may experience anxiety about all of the things you need to get done on your own, especially when you’re in a time crunch. The social isolation aspect can also lead to feelings of depression and loneliness.

What causes hyper-independence? 

Hyper-independence often stems from past experiences of trauma. A few common causes of hyper-independence trauma include the following:

• Childhood trauma: If your caregivers didn’t regularly meet your needs as a child, you may feel like other people are unreliable. This can cause you to believe you have to find your own solutions because no one else will. A 2020 study found that some children turn to self-reliance as a response to family stressors and socio-emotional pain. This can continue into adulthood.
• Trauma-related disorders: Disorders like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can also be an underlying cause of hyper-independence. For example, maybe you’ve been let down in the past by someone you trusted, and now you find it hard to rely on others. This can cause you to double down on self-protection to avoid getting hurt again.
• Transgenerational trauma: Trauma doesn’t have to be experienced personally to affect you. Transgenerational trauma refers to traumatic experiences that are passed down by family members who experienced something firsthand. Common examples of transgenerational trauma include a family history of slavery, being a refugee, or being a survivor of genocide.
• Attachment style: Attachment styles refer to how people behave in relationships. Your attachment style can inform how much you value autonomy in relationships. This is often influenced by a person’s bonds with their primary caregivers as an infant. When an infant’s needs aren’t met consistently by their caregiver, they can develop different forms of insecure attachment styles. For example, an avoidant attachment style prizes fierce independence, while codependency may characterize an anxious attachment style. 

How to overcome hyper-independence

Hyper-independence often develops subconsciously, which can make it hard to detect. However, you can improve your independence with practice, patience, and a change of perspective. 

Here are a few things you can try to prevent hyper-independence and build better interpersonal relationships. 

Form healthy connections

Because hyper-independence stems from a lack of trust, forming healthy connections is pivotal to overcoming extreme self-sufficiency. A few ways you can build trust include the following:

• Recognize your capacity to trust: Pay attention to the little ways you trust yourself and others every day. For example, you might trust yourself to get out of bed each morning. You may also trust your bus driver to show up on time. This can help you realize that you can (and do) develop trust.
• Practice forgiveness: If someone broke your trust in the past, try moving toward forgiveness. You may have past traumas that need working through before you can move on. Forgiving someone who hurt you can help you see trust from a new perspective. Similarly, it’s important to forgive yourself for past mistakes.
• Take it slow: You don’t need to share all your biggest secrets to learn how to trust. Start small. Share something with someone you care for and see how it goes, then build from there.

Find mindfulness techniques that work

Mindfulness is a healthy coping mechanism that can reduce symptoms of mental health conditions like anxiety and depression, which are both signs of hyper-independence. It can act as a supportive treatment for PTSD and positively impact your mental health.

Mindfulness can also help you become attentive to and aware of automatic, habitual responses, such as hyper-independent urges. This gives you better opportunities to interrupt and replace these maladaptive responses.

Here are some mindfulness activities you can try:

• Use mental grounding techniques: Grounding is the practice of calming your mind in moments of high stress or anxiety by reconnecting with the present. You can do this through activities like breathwork, focusing on your five senses, and spending time in nature.
• Do something relaxing: Drawing, coloring, and listening to relaxing music are all considered mindfulness activities that help calm anxiety
• Try mindful eating: This involves slowly eating a snack or meal and paying attention to how your food tastes to bring yourself back to the present

Cultivate self-compassion

It can be hard to trust others if you don’t trust yourself. Practicing self-compassion and self-love can help reduce the pressure you may have put on yourself to have everything figured out. Additionally, self-compassion can strengthen your resilience by cultivating a growth mindset. This can help you shift from shame and fear to a more optimistic state that allows you to move forward.

You can work on your self-care by engaging in activities like shadow work, externalizing your inner critic, and starting a journal to identify and combat automatic negative thoughts.

Push yourself to ask for help

Everyone needs help sometimes, and that’s nothing to feel ashamed of. Relationships are designed to be “give and take,” which means you should see some benefit from pouring into a connection. 

One way to challenge yourself to ask for help is to give a little and see what happens. This can be as simple as asking a family member to pass you the butter at dinner or seeing if a friend will offer you quick advice. The important thing is that you’re asking for help, no matter how big or small the gesture. This can make it easier for you to reach out when you have a larger need.

Practice vulnerability

It’s a myth that showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness. Being open with others, like friends or loved ones, can deepen your relationships, improve your self-awareness, and affirm your sense of self-worth. These benefits can help you learn to lean on other people for support when you need it. 

A first step to take may be to tell someone you’re struggling with hyper-independence. This can help you get the support you need.

Why is hyper-independence worth overcoming?

While independence can be a good thing, hyper-independence can hold you back. It can limit the number of healthy relationships you have, cause you to take on more than you can handle, and lead to controlling behavior when you feel a loss of control. 

These effects can impact your connections, work performance, and ability to set realistic goals. It can also lead to loneliness and depression, which can affect your physical health. Recognizing the signs of hyper-independence can help you avoid this and work toward personal growth. 

When to seek professional help for hyper-independence 

A good rule of thumb is to seek professional help when hyper-independence is interfering with your daily life. If you feel like your relationships are suffering and you’re overwhelmed with responsibilities, it’s likely a good time to seek support from a licensed therapist or certified coach. Therapy can also help you avoid trauma dumping within the relationships you do have.

Try finding a therapist who specializes in trauma-informed care and trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). This is a type of short-term psychotherapy that can help you address cognitive distortions to rewire your thoughts after a traumatic event.

Let go of hyper-independence to embrace vulnerability

Hyper-independence can be a significant roadblock to your personal growth and happiness. It can steal the enjoyment from your close relationships and make it hard to trust others.

Overcoming hyper-independence can help you avoid burnout and regain control of your life. Working with a life coach can help you identify whether your level of independence is problematic and guide you to self-improvement.

Work with a BetterUp Coach to find a balanced approach to independence that lets you embrace the company of those you love.