Lying by omission: what it is, and how it destroys trust

Lying by omission is a type of deception that happens when you purposely omit information that’s critical to something you’re saying. As a result, it can influence someone else’s understanding of the situation or cause them to believe things that are untrue.

Engaging in this dishonest behavior undermines trust, which is foundational to your personal and professional growth. It’s important to recognize and address the problem head-on so you can build honest relationships and live a life of integrity.

What is lying by omission?

Lying by omission is when you leave out crucial information in an attempt to mislead someone. It’s a form of deception that can be difficult to identify because everything you’re saying is true. However, it doesn’t paint the full picture.

According to research by philosopher Don Fallis, it’s possible to create false beliefs just by withholding information. Keeping secrets or leaving out parts of the story can result in the same misconception as when you intentionally make false statements. 

It can be hard to detect when someone is lying by omission. A study published by social psychology researchers Sharon Leal and Aldert Vrij found that those lying by omission often show evidence that they’re hiding something apart from the truthful parts they remember.    

There are a few ways you can lie by omission:

• Not revealing relevant information about your identity (this is especially prevalent across social media)
• Using half-truths, which means you’re only telling part of the truth
• Not disclosing the original source of the information
• Failing to correct misconceptions or misinformation
• Implicating something that isn’t true as a result of your word choices

Is withholding information always lying?

Lying by omission is only considered a form of lying if the intention is to deceive someone. Withholding information may not be considered lying in the following circumstances:

• Irrelevant information: Leaving out details of an encounter that aren’t necessary to fully understand the truth
• Omitting by accident: Omitting details by mistake, like if you honestly forgot to mention something when sharing information (though you should correct this once you realize your mistake)
• Following someone’s request: Holding back details because someone asked you to, such as if a patient asked a doctor not to tell them whether their test results were good or bad news

Is lying by omission worse than lying?

Leaving out information can be just as damaging to relationships as providing false information. Neither form of lying is better or worse than the other. Either way, the intent is to deceive someone. Both habits are considered toxic traits and can be red flags in a relationship.

Although they’re different types of lies, lies of omission also share many of the same consequences of outright lying. These include a break in trust, a loss of credibility, and damage to your sense of self.

Lying by omission examples 

Lying by omission can take different forms. A few examples of this type of deceit include the following:

• Dating scenario: Telling your partner you just got out of a long-term relationship without mentioning it was a marriage
• Mental health scenario: Telling a family member, whom you live with, that you drink alcohol but not mentioning you have an addiction
• Financial scenario: Hiding financial information, such as past bankruptcies, when applying for a loan
• Medical scenario: Not telling a new doctor about a previous medical condition before undergoing surgery
• Work scenario: Giving a progress update on a project without mentioning delays that could affect the timeline

Why lying by omission destroys trust

Lying by omission in relationships can lead to serious consequences, including a total loss of trust and the relationship itself. Here are a few reasons why lies of omission can be a bigger deal than you might think.

It warps reality

Without all of the information relevant to a situation, a person can’t create a full and accurate picture of reality. They may think things are fine when they aren’t, or they may have a totally different perspective because certain information wasn’t shared. This can be similar to gaslighting because you’re making someone question their own sense of reality. Lying can also warp the liar’s sense of reality.

It causes feelings of betrayal

If someone discovers you left out critical pieces in a story, they might feel betrayed or hurt. They might feel as if they trusted you prematurely or that you used their vulnerability to misguide them. This can permanently damage a relationship and lead to trust issues in future relationships.

It makes it difficult to detect true emotions

If you have a history of lying by omission, it can make it difficult for someone to detect your true emotions. They might feel as if they never truly know how you’re feeling. This can lead to a loss of compassion and empathy when you need support.

It erodes self-esteem

Lying by omission can affect the self-esteem of both the deceiver and the recipient. If you’re the one who is lying, you might feel bad about yourself afterward for not being truthful or misleading someone. You might question your own integrity.

The person who’s been lied to might feel as if they should’ve seen the warning signs or shouldn’t have built trust with you from the start. This could make them think there’s something wrong with them.

It weakens your bond

Lying, in general, can make a friend or significant other feel less connected to you. They might feel as if you don’t have their best interest at heart. They may also feel that there’s a lack of safe space to share their own emotions and experiences, which can cause them to pull back. It may even permanently ruin your relationship.

It damages your credibility

The recipient of the lies may no longer believe what you say because they’re worried they aren’t getting the full story. This can cause communication barriers and lead them to stop coming to you for information.

How to stop lying by omission

Learning how to stop lying by omission can help you fix your current relationships and build healthy relationships going forward. Here are a few ways you can break this bad habit before it becomes more problematic:

• Consider the consequences: Lying by omission can permanently damage your relationships, negatively impact your well-being, and sometimes even lead to legal issues. When you’re tempted to tell lies of omission, ask yourself if it’s worth the possible consequences. Also, ask yourself how you would feel if your relationship were to end for good, as that’s always a possible consequence.
• Use open communication: Telling your loved ones you struggle with lying by omission can immediately help rebuild trust. It shows you’re willing to take ownership of your mistakes and recognize that it’s a problem you’re looking to correct. This is a courageous conversation and a big step toward your personal development. Remember to prioritize self-compassion to treat yourself with kindness instead of judgment.
• Practice honesty: Try being transparent when you’re sharing information. Consider straying away from all types of lies, including seemingly harmless white lies. This can help make it easier to communicate honestly in the future.
• Lies can cause stress: If you value honesty, you probably don’t feel great after lying. This can cause you unnecessary stress and hold you back from being the best version of yourself. Remember that negative feeling every time you walk into a conversation so you stay motivated to avoid it.
• Get professional help: It’s not always easy to change your behavioral patterns on your own. A therapist or professional coach can help you identify why you’re lying by omission in a way that harms those you care about. Getting professional help can also help you build your communication skills and self-awareness to nurture meaningful connections.

Is lying by omission manipulative?

When you intentionally try to deceive someone, lying by omission is manipulative. Purposefully holding back information that’s necessary for someone else to make informed decisions can serve as a way to control someone else or influence their behavior.

If you feel like you’re on the opposite end of lying by omission, it can be difficult to tell when you’re being manipulated. However, there are some general signs someone might be lying that you can watch for in a person, such as the following:

• Nervous body language such as fidgeting or using unnatural gestures
• Breaking eye contact or not making eye contact at all
• Pressing their lips together 
• Signs of stress such as touching their face, sweating, or tapping their foot
• Stammering or repeating the same words and phrases multiple times
• Obvious holes in their story

Break the habit of lying by omission

Lying by omission is a form of lying, even if you’re only using true statements. It can undermine your relationships and lead to a reputation of dishonesty. It can also result in low self-esteem. 

If you’re not sure where to start to break your habit of lying, consider partnering with a professional coach. Coaches are specially trained to help you define and meet your personal goals. They can help you identify your weaknesses and create an actionable strategy to create positive change.

Work with a BetterUp Coach to improve your communication, address unwanted behaviors, and grow into your authentic self.