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Where did the 5 stages of grief come from?
What's wrong with the 5 stages of grief?
Jump to section
Where did the 5 stages of grief come from?
What's wrong with the 5 stages of grief?
Grief is both personal and universal. All humans will indeed experience grief in the face of loss. But it’s also true that all humans experience grief in their own unique way.
Even though most people will experience grief at some point in their lives, most are unprepared. Our society does not teach about grief or how to process it in healthy ways. It also doesn’t teach us how to support those well who are grieving. Without this understanding and skill set, it’s natural that people search outward for explanations.
Fundamentally, humans search for meaning and purpose. We want to make meaning from our experiences, and loss is a big experience. But humans are also pattern-seeking beings. For many, the big experience of loss, and the magnitude of emotion that comes with it, feels like uncharted territory. We find comfort in thinking there is a map. As humans, we like process — and we like knowing what to expect.
There’s a grief framework, outlined into five stages, that is often applied to those suffering a loss. Over time, this framework around the five stages of grief gained popularity. For practitioners, thought leaders, and grievers themselves, it’s become a tempting framework to apply to grief.
But as we know, grief can be messy. And there are many types of grief. If you’ve experienced grief yourself, you know that your grief journey might not have followed the famed five stages.
That’s OK. There’s reasoning behind it.
Let’s talk about updated thinking around the stages of grief. We’ll also talk about why modern grief practitioners know that grief often doesn’t fit into the traditional five stages. It doesn’t need to.
One of the most widely known theories about grief is from Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Dr. Kubler-Ross was a Swiss psychiatrist who worked with terminally ill patients. The framework she defined was specifically about terminally ill patients grieving the end of their own lives.
She first published her findings in 1969 in her book entitled, On Death and Dying. In this book, she describes five stages of grief in the terminally ill patients she cared for:
Dr. Kubler-Ross published this work about dying patients. But her work has been inappropriately applied to the bereaved and those struggling with all types of grief.
Dr. Kubler-Ross herself was somewhat perplexed that people were applying her model to all bereaved individuals when her research focused solely on those who were facing their own imminent death.
Acknowledging that such broad application was never Dr. Kubler-Ross’s intent, you might wonder what's the harm? Why is using the 5 stages as our frame for understanding grief flawed? Actually, there are a few concerns with applying the 5 stages for all grievers:
As humans, we crave connection and individuality. We want to feel part of something and feel honored and accepted for our uniqueness at the same time. It’s this dichotomy that can inform our understanding of grief and provide guidance on how to process it in ways that support our individual needs.
Grief practitioners understand that there is no easy fix for grief. Grievers looking for a simple model to explain their grief may find initial comfort in the five stages in the short term. Over time though, as grief takes its inevitable twists and turns, they may find they are lacking the skills and understanding to deeply process and integrate their grief.
Before you can seek support, it’s important to understand your grief and identify it.
Grief responses arise from many kinds of losses. Sometimes you might not recognize that what you are feeling is grief. Certainly, the death of a loved one is one of the most profound losses people will experience in their life.
But many kinds of losses trigger grief reactions. These include:
Recognizing what you are feeling as grief allows you to invite practices and interventions to support your grief journey.
Physical reactions. Our body can respond to grief. Sometimes, our body will respond before our mind recognizes that we're grieving.
Emotional reactions. Of course, we all have emotional responses to grief. Take a pulse of your emotions and notice what's showing up for you.
The good news is that there are ways to understand your grief that can lead to healthy ways to process it.
Grief does not follow a prescribed route, set of stages, or standard progression. By understanding this about your grief, you release yourself from feeling like you need to explain it to yourself or to others. You feel what you feel. Period.
You cannot heal what you don’t feel. Getting in touch with what you are feeling and naming it can be the first step in opening awareness of what you need right now.
Having clarity on what you are feeling can also help you ask for what you need from yourself and from others. Dr. Gloria Willcox published the Feelings Wheel to help put words to emotions.
You don’t have to go through grief alone. And no matter what loss you’re suffering, your grief is valid.
With BetterUp coaching, we can shift grief from a difficult workplace topic to becoming a source of universal connection by validating and acknowledging grievers’ experiences. BetterUp has recently launched a grief coaching track focused on understanding how your grief might show up at the workplace or at home.
With this personalized support, you’ll learn how to create a safe space for those experiencing grief. You’ll also learn what to say or how to support a teammate or friend who may be suffering a loss. One member recently shared their experience with a fellow coach who specializes in overcoming grief.
“I recently experienced a shocking loss. While I grappled with making sense of this tragedy, Melody gently helped me to see grief in a new way. My relationships are significantly better, I feel calm and complete, I know myself better, I feel equipped to take on life’s difficult experiences, and I have freed myself to live fully.”
If you’re feelings of grief persist over time, seek professional support. Sometimes, grief can spiral into depression. If you’re struggling or living with depression and grief, seek the advice of a trained mental health professional.
Grief takes countless forms and is experienced in limitless ways. Grief cannot possibly be explained by a simple five-stage model. When we push this narrative as universal, we alienate those for whom it does not apply and only cause them more pain in an already painful time.
There are ways to process your grief in healthy ways that acknowledge your unique feelings and experience of grief. If at any time you feel like you need professional support, find out what type of grief support is best for you.
And no matter where you are in your grieving journey, you’re right where you’re supposed to be. There’s no checklist to the grieving process — and your feelings are valid.
Continue to practice self-awareness and self-care as you navigate your loss. If you’re a caregiver or supporting a loved one through a difficult loss, lead with empathy and leave judgment at the door.
With personalized support, you can strengthen your mental fitness and overcome grief and loss. Take control of your mental health and well-being — and get started today.
Better Up Premier Fellow Coach